Hands' and Lester's Hawaiian Adventure


root - Posted on 04 June 2001

A Couple of Low-Income Cats Talk Back!

by Dee

Yes, Hands thought if only he could have said, "You just kinda wasted my precious time," to that relationship he endured many years ago. Yes, Hands was in love, deeply in love a long time ago, in a different country. Unfortunately, this beloved girlfriend broke up with Hands for stupid reasons, Hands and Lester said.

You see, Hands has a habit of crossing his paws when he sleeps and that girlfriend couldn’t stand it. She told Hands to stop but he couldn’t help himself. But when Hands started chewing in such a way so that his whiskers would get stuck in his mouth, the girlfriend really got disgusted and told Hands that was it, she did not want to see him anymore. At least that’s how Hands’ version of the story goes.

At the time Hands knew this girl he was a travel agent in Hawaii, in another one of his nine lives. This girl’s name was Aulii, which means chief in Hawaiian, and true to her name she did like to lead and was a bit bossy. Also, she was very proud of her Hawaiian heritage. Hands believed he was doing Hawaii a favor by encouraging tourism, believing that tourism promotes Hawaiian culture.

Of course, because Hands didn’t have a clue about what it meant to be an indigenous person, he requested that Aulii do the hula for him all the time. Now the hula is an ancient form of dance with deep and complex religious meaning and to perform it for tourists, which of course Hands was, was a form of cultural prostitution. Hawaiian women doing the hula are marketed on posters from Paris to Tokyo, promising an unfettered primitive sexuality. Actually, that was the main reason Hands wanted to come to Hawaii. Hands had seen those posters, and in fact to this day still has one on the wall near his cat box.

Hands couldn’t understand why this woman talked the way she did- about Captain Cook and how beautiful the life of the indigenous Hawaiian people had been before the diseases that the explorers had brought to Hawaii, which had decimated her people. All Hands cared about was being on the beach in Waikiki in the moonlight with Aulii, watching the locals like Don Ho and the local dance troupe called the Honolulu Fire Dancers Club dancing with fire.

Aulii did not appreciate something else Hands loved to do, which was to gather his buddies around him at the beach and sing his favorite Hawaiian song to Aulii:

It’s not the island fair

That is calling to me

It’s not the balmy air

Or the tropical sea

It’s just a little brown girl

In a little grass skirt

In a little grass shack

In Hawaii.

One moonlight Waikiki night, after singing to Aulii, Hands told her they could get married right away if Aulii got a job with the hula dancers on the stage and made a lot of money so that she could support Hands when he gave up his job as a travel agent and opened a mumu store in Waikiki beach. When Aulii heard this she looked angrily at Hands for a full minute, then turned and left the room, never to be seen again.

Hands and Lester still to this day cannot understand why this beautiful brown girl left Hands for good. How could she be so critical of him just because he slept with his paws crossed and got a few crumbs on his whiskers when he ate too fast?

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